a night owl's fears

the weather has taken a turn for the worst. it snowed today and heavier snow showers are expected for the night. plus, the terrible bora wind is blowing like mad. this is the worst i've experienced since we moved here, definitely. i'd like to go out and take shots of the devastating wind, i'm sure they'll be memorable, but i still have to find the courage to venture out on the molo audace like these people did.

there're chains on the floor for rescue ... mmmh ... i doubt they could be of any use with black bora peaks like today. staying indoors protected by this colorful apartment is all i can manage. it's even more rewarding with this his horrible weather. i don't mind at all.

i spend most of my time alone with al at work and alice in school until 4pm, and i like it. i like staying at home and indulging in bed a little longer, then waking up and drinking my tea in front of the kitchen window while observing our quiet neighborhood. i like continuing sipping it while reading, writing, watching movies in my pajamas. then writing e-mails/letters to friends and chatting with them on msn, editing photos or browsing the internet, blogging.

this morning i didn't even have to go out to take alice to school because i parked my car in another block last night, so al offered to drive her. she's so happy to be taken by daddy, since these are rare occasions. this routine is going to end dramatically when alice starts primary in september, i'm aware of that. she will go to school in the mornings and will have lunch with me at home, unless they don't accept her at the canteen, which i doubt. there's a long waiting list for it and places are reserved for working parents.

so i'll have to be the first to get used to this new rhythm of life. alice is obviously happy and i'm not the mom who thinks about herself first. my kid's priority comes frist. i know her highest potentail is in the mornings. therefore, we chose a school timetable that suits her best. i'll crave lonely afternoons but well, it means i'll go to bed earlier to make the most of MY mornings. i'll try to change my night owl nature. i'm surely one of those people for whom genetically this is going to be much harder, but nobody for whom it's impossible.

i remain grateful. al works hard and his job allows this bohemian life of mine. my nights aren't wild and slightly innocent, though. they're reserved for my family, where i remain committed to my role of mother and wife. and i like this too. i like this duality in my life and my efforts to try to integrate them. i came to accept that having a baby is part of the process, of my new me process.

many things have changed. this winter thing, for example. it doesn't depress me anymore. before it was all about waiting for spirng and then summer. now it's about waiting for an event and preparing for it. christmas, birthdays, carnival. before, i longed for holidays. now my life is a perpetual holiday, and not only because of my baby. that's because i feel complete. i've a right man by my side. respect and love are still intact after so many years. we're taking our little girl into adulthood and we see she's happy. we'd like more dinners out and lots of more theater shows but, well, we also like alice to be part of our spare time.

but mainly, i feel i've reached my balance. i'm an aspiring novelist, that's all i wanted to be all my life. and i'm giving it a go. i've a husband who supports this nature of mine and appreciates my creativity. i'm not aiming for success. success is inside me and if publications will arrive, they'll only end a cycle. i'm exactly where i want to be with my life now. all the rest is a plus.

least but not last, on a little but compulsive note, it's funny but, the more i blog, the more i seem to have to write. i started this new experience full of fears (fear of annoying my readers, fear of exposing myself too much, fear of not being enough committed) while now blogging has become a natural necessity and pure relax. go figure!