Does it ever happen to you to have one of those nights when lots of thoughts cross your mind out of the blue, for no apparent reason at all? One of those typical nights when you struggle not to get pissed off by the unchangeable nature of events that happened and that will continue happening? Well, this is one of those nights for me.
Frustration started this morning at the dentist. I saw it coming, I always do when I'm gently asked to go out for a coffee because the doctor is late and will be back in 10 minutes. These days I can't even drink freely around. I'm on a diet, remember? So, go figure. I used that precious time to buy Alice a new pair of sneakers.
It continued later during the afternoon when I had to call off a meeting with friends. Thursday is the day when Alice's peers from Kindergarten reunite. We try to let the kids be in touch, and it's always a nice opportunity to catch up with the mothers.
It grew big time at the local oratory later. Priests decided on a one-way schedule for catechism classes and aren't open to possible activities kids can have on those days. They think religion comes first and all other sports can wait, faith can't wait. Oh please! I agree, First Communion needs a preparation course, and even if I think 3 years is a monstrous average of time, still I decided to deliver my daughter's soul to these people. I know her, she loves religion and I have nothing against some values instilled in her, even if I'm a lapsed Catholic myself. But this is too much. Alice has ballet on Tuesdays so Alice can't take her first year of catechism. Their problem, not mine or the other 4 kids who have busy Tuesdays too.
I'm angry. Pretty much so.
And so it is all confused in my mind now. Thoughts bring more thoughts. I tried to picture my daughter's life without grandparents. Far from anyone. If she needs me, I'm there, ready to talk her deeply about the things she opens about. I'm the disciplinarian, the understanding, the philosophical mother all in one. Then I think of Alfie and I suddenly realize that Alice is my journey ALONE. I don't mean it against him, but I'd like him to do more. Oh fuck!
We're different universes that try to collide, me and him. Most of the times we don't suceed. Still, we love each other immensely. We've been together for 13 years now. We've been on serious rocks twice and we'll surely be some more. The beautiful phase of first love has ended. That pahse when everything is beautiful, motivating, big and full of energy. But it opened to something more intense: we discovered the value of family together, we found out that together we're stronger.
And the result is Alice, this beautiful, smart little being who keeps showing us she sees through things right, without dark places. I look at her and vividly hope she won't carry any negative through the rest of her life, to her marriage, to her kids. It's my mission in life. As long as I'm here with her, I'll try my best. I'm always here for her, no matter what.
And then I realize that this is my place. That I've got, oh yes, dammit, so many responsibilities and I feel like carrying the world on my shoulders. That I have shitty parents and nobody close to rely on, but I like it this way. I love this balanced, weak and strong at the same time life of mine. Oh yes!
"Courage conquers all things." - Ovid
PS: I admire you to the fullest, Kerryn. You're not alone!