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03 January 2011

Apatic solitude

I'm so angry and disillusioned that I run errand all day, feeling apatic and slightly desperate. The only things I do are for my princess. I would like to stay in bed all day long. Really. To forget. To forgive. Life sucks and hits me hard. I stop and listen to it but I've got my limits. I think I had enough. 

Stop it please. I want to be free. I want to be happy again. I want my life balance back. Because I think I lost mine. Gosh! 

Is there anything I can do but survive? Why did I stay in my place for 12 years and it wasn't enough? Why? One makes sacrifices an then a total stranger arrives and blows it all away. Crucifixing yourself on the wall of your desperation and forcing you to battle the demons you thought you had won before. Making ghosts you didn't even had to deal with come to surface.

Is this the price I have to pay to have my own family? No thank you. This isn't what I had imagined for myself when I said yes. And now even my life project seems to fade away. I'm becoming cynical. I'm becoming different. And I don't like to be forced to mature this way. Because I think I'm already fucking mature, you know? :(


  1. I am not smart enough to find the words that could help you. Your world was shaken hard and you try to find balance between your heart, soul and mind. It is going to be hard work and painful, yes, but I believe it's worth it. You are worth it. And you can do it. Just give yourself time. I am here for you.

  2. I just can only imagine how you're feeling right now. I've been through hard times and at that moment I felt that everything was falling down, but it passed, I suffered, but I learned a lot in the process and everything is better now. Once somebody said to me "don't keep thinking why this is happening, but what for" (I don't know if in english makes the same sense, "no pierdas tiempo pensando en por qué te está pasando esto a ti, sino para qué). I don't know if you're a religious person, but "talking" to God and ask for guidance helped me a lot too. Good luck and you know you can count on me, always. Big hug!

  3. you don't need to tell me anything, sandra. just be there and be my friend and it's enough. i love you!

    oli, yes, i perfectly get what you mean, gracias. you're right, better not to stop thinking why happened. there's always a light at the end of the tunnel and i start to see mine. thanks again for your precious support!

  4. Elda: This is a strange "coincidence"! I just found almost your exact same words, or at least the same sentiment, posted by a lady named Mary on another blog. I've been exactly where you are now, and it took me almost twenty years to figure it out. As I told Mary, I'm more than willing to share my story with you, because it's your story too, and the story of so many others, but I'm too tired to answer this more fully right now,so I will email you in the next couple of days if I don't hear from you first.

  5. hi marly, thanks for your comment. i'd like to hear from you, feel free to email me whenever you want and like. and tell mary to share her story too, if she wants. it could be a lovely therapy since, to me, writing is the best arm to survive.

    it's a coincidence, yes, but not so strange because, as you said, it's our story, it happens all the time, and scenario and people may change, but pain and ways to express it are the same everywhere for everyone. gosh!


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