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04 August 2010

that tooth story

can a tooth be a revelation in some way? it was for me, as i found out in the most amicable way that one of my front upper ones is crocked because of my cousin and not, as i misbelieved until yesterday, because of my father.

it was a serious surprise, because all my childhood traumas are my father related, while this time the accident that made my tooth ruined was a dodgem car that i always thought was driven by my father himself and not a relative. well, my cousin dimitri confessed me it was him, my father paid him a tonk because he was tired. not that this excuses him, of course. you don't let a child ride the dodgem car with a few years older kid. no way!

needless to say, i hate dodgem cars and i never ever rode them, ever again. i also hate my front crocked tooth. my parents never had it fixed and when i was older i was self-esteemed enough not to consider braces. not even a trip to the er was planned when the drama occurred. my cousin said i was bleeding heavily becasue the tooth holed my lip. no dentist even ever visited me. this is how things go with my family. they wait and hope for the better. 

a few years later, if not even in the same year, my father escorted me to the sea. his idea of teaching me how to swim was to just let me there and wait until i learned by myself. once again, the waiting philosophy ruled. we marched towards higher water. i remember how fierce i was. no plastic life preserver, just dad, who then saw a friend and told me to wait for him exactly where i was. because, he said, he was going to say hello to this guy and get back in a minute. oh yes, of course, children are perfectly safe in the water when they don't swim! grrrr!
he didn't know that "in many countries, drowning is one of the leading causes of death for children under 12 years old. for example, in the United States, it is the second leading cause of death (after motor vehicle crashes) in children 12 and younger. children have drowned in wading pools and even bath tubs". 
it probably was ridiculous to him that "the rate of drowning in populations around the world varies widely according to their access to water, the climate and the national swimming culture. for example, typically the united kingdom suffers 450 drownings per annum or 1 per 150,000 of population whereas the united states suffers 6,500 drownings or around 1 per 50,000 of population. drowning related injuries are the fifth most likely cause of accidental death in the US. the rate of near drowning incidents is unknown." (via wikipedia)
all this didn't matter. what counted was that he needed to go there. and so the waves pushed me away, i started to drown for real and he just let me there. i didn't understand why. something was obviously wrong. maybe he just trusted me too much, because yes, he saw me there in that unsafe place but didn't move. so as i was inhalating water i saw my mother on the shore. she was crying and screaming but she didn't move to save me neither. she was holding a precious cargo in her arms. my younger brother. he was genuinely sucking his pacifier, so i must have been 6 years old. 

i was drowing under their eyes and nobody moved to save me. fuck! a man finally approached and brought me to life. i was given first aid on the beach. dad was still talking to that asshole. i still wonder what was so important that they were talking about.

now, i don't need a therapist to tell me what this all symbolizes. it's pretty clear to me. a selfish and macho dad, a neglected child (me), an over protected child (my brother) and a weak mother. plus, the stranger who saves my life, which is the outer world in which i was thrown too early. i honestly don't know what kept me respecting these people for so long. i really should have cut any relationship with them years ago! argh!

despite all, i'm here today, alive and alert and so vivid. i could have a wasted life because of them but i reinvented it, i wanted to be better. so, VIVA LA VIDA! yeah!


  1. Gosh! shocking!!! are ur dad and mine brothers? most of the times i think my dad is just a pain in the ass ahaha...
    Indeed old fashion people used to do things is a barbaric way, almost sadistic...
    My dad never even brought me a book, not even a fairy tales one... just toys while i was kid, when i grow up not even clothes, i feel my mom did rise us and her family... my dad was and cared/cares just about his job and himself... just in some ways, and none or nothing more.
    Nevertheless, and despite our grief, we are certainly great women eh
    Most people prefer to sit and mourn and complain about their lives instead of opening and dealing to build a better and fuller life.
    I think you are a beautiful example of a woman healthy, clean and good will ... Thanks for sharing and open your heart and your soul! you will never be alone!

  2. it's so sad that your dad dind't nurture you, lore. but thanks god you took all the warmth and care and affection from your mom. at least, you've a caring and loving parent.
    i dind't have that neither. just my grandparents, but they were NOT parents, u know? parnts have no substitute and you'll always go errand because of htat, no matter how much you try and battle.
    well, this is just one of the most upsetting and shocking episode of my childhood, i felt like opening up today. it's being too heavy!
    and thanks for your words, they mean the world to me. knowing i'm not alone battling this is a relief!

  3. Yes my darling u are not and will never be alone!
    We must live our lives, no matter how sweet, bitter or sour they turn, is part of the process... harmony is the balance of all events after all...isn't it?
    Sometimes the motto "don't worry, be happy" could sounf naif, but what the hell, if we wanna cry we do it, when we have to curse we also can do it, and when we wanna smile also.
    If life gives u lemons, then make lemonade! or in my case some nice mojito's or pisco sour!!!!
    BTW we must drink some pisco sours any time yeahhh
    ti voglio molto bene é vero!pfff nice italian i've got!

  4. right, harmony. and in order to get it, sometimes it's even necessary to be selfish.
    and yes, let's make lemonades or mojitos all the time ahahahah
    ti voglio tanto bene anch'io, bella! you're my favorite scema! ;)


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