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14 July 2010

fears and doubts

i've been looking at friend's pics on facebook nearly all morning. i think i've reached a saturation point with my homesickness, my desire to go home is intense by now, and i can't wait to go to abruzzo and upload energy for another long stay away from it.

i really want to see those landscapes again, eat genuine food. laugh, relax, stay out at night. chat with friends. hug my nana. take ali to the baby rollercoaster in vasto. eat the delicious ice-cream they do in there. take photos as if it were the last time i went there. sigh.

i don't think i'll visit my family's house, though. i'm not ready for that. not yet. too many emotions disturb my mind and i want to protect them, because they're fragile by now. i want to enjoy my holidays, not ruining them. i'm not even sure i want to spend time with my brother. i'm still resentful.

well, this is me. a year passed and i still feel all messed up. my pain hasn't healed yet. i don't think it'll ever do, that's why i'm considering therapy. maybe i got this all too personally. when everybody hits you there're moments when you feel uncertain and think that maybe, just maybe, it's you the one with faults.

i just need to regain confidence and have someone purely objective telling me what's wrong with wanting to remain detached from my own family. i do. i want to be a better person and i don't wish that this toxic relationship i've got with my parents influences my present life negatively.

maybe going into therapy will help. it surely will. and i'll finally confront my demons.  

Patient and therapist attempt together to lift the grime and wear of the years without damaging the original underneath. Where damage appears, repair is carefully undertaken in accordance with, as far as possible, the intentions of the creator, the self of the patient. The process is a science and an art. Such a process is about discovering, experiencing and assimilating what is authentic and emotionally true in the patient's self (british psychotherapist Paul Williams) credits

yes, i need therapy. before my feelings become devastating. 


  1. I agree with getting therapy. It certainly helped me truly deal with my family and my past.

    I do not agree that there is something wrong with you for not wanting to have contact with your family. If they are toxic to you then staying away is very smart of you. Therapy might help you see and accept that too. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward. You are doing great!

  2. thanks for the support, heather. it means a lot to me to know that i'm no wrong in my steps. i think i can relate better to people who have family problems. it's the ones who have natural and lovely relationships who make me doubt. but then of course, you've to be in troubled people's shoes to fully understand. family skeletons is something not everybody is prepared to face!

  3. Can I say I feel you.........? You know I do! The only thing that keeps me sane is my sister (I wish you could rely on your brother, I am blessd in that area) and the will to leave s far as possible. I only wished I wasn't such scared of life.
    If you eve need to talk you know where to find me. Love ya.......

  4. I agree with both of you. You have to do what you feel you need to do for yourself. No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting to have contacts with your family: it is difficult for me to fully understand, that is why I tried to "convince" you not to cut them out completely and give them another chance. The therapy will help you get a clearer view and you will then know how to move forward: with or without them (Through the storm we reach the shore
    You give it all but I want more
    And I'm waiting for you)

  5. roula, i deeply know, yes, thank you. to my discomfort i found out that every time i started to write about the shit, i coudn't find words. borges said you have to write about pain only afterwards, and maybe he got this right. maybe in a couple of years, and with the help of a good therapist, i can storm out. and who knows, a bestseller could get out of it. at least, my parents could be useful for once!
    right know writing doesn't help me, it actually make things worse because i see things in perspective and i'm not ready for that yet. yuck!

    sandra, i know it's difficult for you but i understand. you're blessed with a lovely, warm family of your own. someone normal who's there for you. and you're also an only child, your relationship is definitely different. and yes: we reach the shore, no matter what! :)


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