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25 November 2009

elucubrations of a pissed mind

i hate taking ali to the ped when i'm alone at home and al is away.
i start hating the moment i realize my daughter needs a doctor.
i hate having to book for the appointment and not simply showing there when i want and need, since the waiting hours are the same.
i hate the way the ped welcomes us after al told her how unsatisfied we are, i hate her classism now that she knows how important al's job is.
i hate stopping at the pharmacy to get the medicines prescribed, and squeezing the moment to do some last minute grocery shopping because there's nobody i can ask for help for.
i hate doing all this myself. i hate thinking that i'd like the support of some relative or even friends. and i hate the way my independence shakes this way.
but the part i hate more remains driving errand with my car for hours afterwards, just because that day, of all days in years, all triestini decided to park in my neighbourhood, so there's no bloody parking lot unless on the top of a mountain.
i hate walking down that mountain to arrive safe home with a sick baby who is tired, cold, hungry, thirsty and in need to pee.
i hate arriving home and not knowing where to start with undressing, peeing, washing hands, giving medicine and food.
i hate putting my baby in front of a dvd just because i have to undress, pee myself and make sure everything's fine before cooking.
and i hate feeling guilty after writing all this.
i shouldn't hate what i do!


  1. Oh, sweetie, we all have been through this kind of moments, don't feel guilty. You're a great mom. You are just stressed and tired. It happens, we're humans, you know? but good times and good things will be coming soon, I bet :) Kisses and a warm hug from the distance.

  2. Well...it was one of those long, awful days. But hey!, you managed to do it all on your own, so you should be proud of it. At least you had the means - physical and financial - to accomplish all. There are mothers, single mothers, who are not able to.
    Tomorrow will be a brand-new day!
    I hope Alice is feeling better.

  3. You should make a deal with yourself to not hate all those things that you mentioned: it's just something that needs to be done. And you did it all. You should just consider changing the starting point and do one thing at a time. And you have every right to write and complain about this! You are only human, my dear!


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